Outside the dream world life can be harsh--even cruel, but it is life.

I am making this post because I'm trying to be a thorough documentarian and even documentaries about how awesome gamer culture is need a little drama.

Right now, at 12:10am Tuesday 8th June, I am fucking depressed. I just wrote an email to my fiancee trying to nut out what it is about our relationship that is making me feel reluctant about being engaged and the whole documentary/trip is scaring the shit out of me.

I'm unemployed in a small room, lonely as hell and this whole thing just isn't working. My painting is actually looking pretty sweet but it's hard to find the motivation for more than a few sessions a week (that's terribad). It's like my previous life lies behind me; the family, friends, job, home and my new life is around the corner so I'm just preparing in some isolated limbo. I've spent the better part of the whole weekend playing Final Fantasy XIII.

Since making the website to try and get some attention for the doco and the whole 'stay with gamers' thing I've comepletely failed at getting people to look at the website. Turns out without any money it's actually quite hard.

I wrote to every games news website, no replies.

I submitted a tip to every games news website.

I contacted the writers of popular blogs, no replies.

I managed to become a full member of N4G.com and had a news link to the website posted on the culture page but it was only there for about 3 hours before being bumped off the first page.

My friends suggested posting on gamer forums which I thought was a great idea, because that's where the gamers actually interact. However this turned out to be a fools errand as mods, it seem, frown upon people who join forums to advertise their website, no matter how relevent. If I ever meet a Mod I may just headbutt them, they are the online equivalent of Mall-Security. My doco may end up being about the myth of the gamer community, and the prevalence of assholes on xbox live and online forums =P

It's interesting, if I saw something like this project I would definitely shoot them an email but at the same time, I probably wouldn't actually notice it as I haven't managed to get on any games news website.

I've been out twice to buy a camera and twice had my pro-help bail on me, but tomorrow we will try again. If i stick to my budget on the camera I'll be down to about $2,000 left when I fly out. Hopefully my tax return will kick in sooner than later. My work hasn't called back about the extra weeks or maybe paying some of the thousands still outstanding :/

On a lighter note I've started a robust exercise regime which is giving me much more energy. It's not wise to live such a sedentary life; sleeping in late, gaming, painting, eating pizza and then suddenly fly across the world for 3 months of rough living. Exercise is good people, plus it combats depression effectively.

Maybe I'll write back to that girl who admired my sketches on the bus, connecting with people always cheers me up.

And what do you know someone in San Fran who saw my website has sent me a very enthusiastic email...